four years, seven months, and seven days

Almost four years and eight months ago I started a blog. I started it because I thought I had an interesting life. I started it because I thought that I had something to say. The blog wasn’t great but I was posting, and that sometimes, is the hardest part, sticking to it once you’ve started. When my Dad died I finally got readable content to my blog, but some couldn’t read it without crying. I apologize. Then in an attempt to carry on and live life, I went to culinary school. School was great. It did most of the things I wanted it to. It exposed me to new people, gave me new friends, but most importantly, it gave me something to do. I was so busy with classes and homework I had no time to think about anything else. There is something to be said for turning it all off. It’s easier. It’s easier to turn it all off and not feel.

Three years later, I graduated with a degree in baking and pastry and the thought that the world was mine and I was going to conquer all. Big dreams and big ideas that once I put in a real world kitchen I soon realized wasn't my dream. Culinary school educated me in many ways other than just baking and cooking. It filled my time with classes, homework, projects, and new friends, but it never really filled my heart. I did what I was told and I told myself that I liked it. I told myself that this is what I was supposed to do and now that I was doing it, everything would fall into place and all my dreams and wishes would come true. But that is not how it works.

A year and eight months later I find myself wanting nothing to do with the culinary world and actually more lost than I have ever been. I have no idea what to do with my time, and in the beginning it was nice. After three years of having way too much to do and never having enough time to 100 hour work weeks, the thought of doing nothing was amazing. I finally had time to do all the things I never had time to do. The first few weeks were awesome. But as the weeks turned to months and is now going on years, oh what I wouldn’t do to have a job. To have a reason to get up in the morning. To have a reason to put on pants. To have somewhere to go and something to do. Every day.

Slowly the interviews got fewer and fewer. The call backs stopped happening and now I rarely even get a response. Part of it is my fault because I have no idea what I want to do or what kind of job I want to have. I just know I want a job. Employers don’t like that. But the last year and a half have not been a total and complete loss. I have learned a lot about myself and the things I can do. We no longer need to call someone to do stuff or just go to the store and buy everything, I can do it. It is amazing what I can do with the internet and an afternoon. So for now I am still searching. I am still learning. I am still dreaming. I am still hoping. I am still getting back up.

Love always, K

waking up

I use to be a happy person. I use to smile a lot and be wild and crazy. Fun loving and free. Life happened and stuff just got in the way and I somewhat lost myself. For the past while, I have been in sort of a dark and depressed place. I faked it enough that not too many eyebrows were raised but it was all a mask. I heard when people told me what I was doing wrong, but I never listened. I wasn't ready to. I didn't want to admit to being so wrong for so long. But I don't want to be bitter or angry. I don't want to be lost or lonely. I am an amazing person and the people I allow to be a part of my life are lucky. When I am your friend, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. I love my friends and want nothing but the best for them. I like to believe the good in everyone. I want to believe that in general, people aren't bad, just having a bad time... but I know that isn't the case. There are people who just don't care. They take what they can get and are completely fine leaving you with nothing. It is hard to swollow. It is sad. It makes me sad. I am not one of those people. I don't want to be friends with those people. I am going to work hard on making a better me. I am going to work on making better decisions for me. I don't want to be the girl I have been allowing myself to be. The stupid girl. The girl that allowed herself to be a doormat and a backdoor whore. I deserve better. I deserve more. One day I will look back on my life now and laugh at how silly I use to be. One day I will look back and wonder what I was thinking and why I let it go on for so long. It is a long rough road. I will have hard times. I will fall. But as long as I keep getting back up... nothing can stop me.

Change Sucks

It is funny to me the varying degrees of friendship. The things you will let someone get away with. The things that annoy and bother you to your core but you chalk it up to them just being them and you allow yourself to over look it. You convince yourself that the person is worth it. That they mean enough to you and you mean enough to them to overlook the bad and only accept and acknowledge the good. But if you really look deeper, how many other people in your life would you let get away with such actions?
To have someone in your life that you allow to walk all over you is exhausting. To allow them to treat you in a way that you would never talk to someone else for even thinking. To be the doormat. It hurts. Especially when you know better. You hear the logical advice and know the right thing to do... yet you stay. You stay because you are sad. You stay because you are lonely. You tell yourself you are making a difference. You tell yourself you are doing the right thing. You tell yourself a number of lies in order to not thing about it. To not feel the pain. To not have to change. Change sucks.
But what do you do when you no longer have an option? When the situation itself changes and you are forced to either change with it or walk away for good. What do you do when life doesn't let you decide. Do you hold on for dear life hoping this too shall pass or do you let go and see what life has planned?? What do you do??
Love Always, K

... okay ...

I find it funny, not so much haha, but rather hmmm, the crazy things you will let your mind get away with. That keeping busy will help heal old wounds. That if you put all of yourself into something, time will move much to quickly to really be able to stop and think of why you needed the distraction in the first place. A year ago, I was at my lowest point. I didn't know how to face the morning, and I hated the night. I didn't know if anything would ever be okay, and while I still am unsure of how, I know that somehow, someday I will be okay. I will get over the bad and not let it hold me back anymore. That someday I will be able to look back and laugh at how stupidly dramatic I was about the things that don't matter. Molehills aren't mountains, and eventually, we all learn to be normal again. Well, we all find a new normal that works for us and we tell ourselves that we are happy again. That things aren't so bad, and that after all that has happened, we have taken the greater lesson from it all and it has made us a better person.
I also think, we put too much pressure on certain words. My personal favorites are okay and enough. Everything is always whether or not I will be okay, if life will be okay, if my friendships will be okay... what is okay? Shouldn't I want more? Okay seems like it is the bottom of the barrel of good, bordering on bad, waiting for one little thing to go wrong to throw your whole world below the yellow line where nothing will ever be ok. Worse is enough. I always want to be enough. Good enough. Funny enough. There enough. Pretty enough. Enough of a person. Enough of a friend. Yet again, shouldn't I want more?
When you hold all your emotions and feelings in the inside, life seems to be a tightrope act. A careful balance so not to tip the scale and fall. To hold everything in so tight for fear of exposure, you never really stop to see that the only one you are truly scared of is yourself, and what you might become, if you let the freak flag fly and just be you. I hope a high expectation of friends and an even higher on of myself. But, when you hold it all in, the only person to know you failed is yourself. The only one who is really disappointed is you. I guess I just need to get out there more. Put myself out there more. Be me and let the chips fall where they may. I am an amazing person. I am an amazing friend. If someone doesn't appreciate me, it really is their loss. I will be alright. I will move on. I will be okay.
Love Always, K

... yeah, I know.. I suck at this game!

Who knew going back to school was going to take over my life? It is weird for me to think about it and that 10 weeks ago I was trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up! These last nine weeks have been so crazy and full of so much I don't know where to begin or how to start. I feel that I have just been put through a twister and I am left wind blown wondering where the hell the last couple months went. Every week I am learning so much and I don't even realize how much they are packing into my brain. It all seems like second nature that I have known my whole life so why doesn't everybody else know what it means. Why don't you know how to mise en place or fabricate meat? Duh! So simple! Even more crazy is how life seemed to happen when I wasn't even paying attention. You always hear people say that they truly became happy when they stopped trying to be. It is true. It happens. I have been so busy and so stressed out to worry about the stupid things in life and I have no time to care about the petty things. I am truly happy. I love school. Even the days I don't love class, school as a whole is a huge plus. I have some things I don't like and the paperwork can suck my toe but really truly, I don't ever want to do anything else with my life. Of course, I wouldn't be Kayla without some of the little mellow drama but I am trying my hardest to maintain the calm, cool, collected mode and not fall back into my crazy ways. I am growing up.
I miss my friends. I have no time. I don't sleep. I only eat in class. I work too much. I don't have enough money. I don't have enough fun. But I am having the time of my life. Everyday when I drive to school I get excited on what new adventure I am about to embark on.

I miss you all, I love you all, and I am sorry for being a crappy friend right now. Please understand what I am trying to do, and just be happy for me. Thank you!

Love, K

a heart to heart

For a little while now I have been thinking of all the things going through my brain and how much of a happier person I may be if I let it out. So, I feel I should do this now. Sometimes it helps to just say it out loud, and sometimes, even if it isn’t what you want to hear, it helps to have someone respond, even if it is just a simple hug or a shoulder to cry on. So I am going to let it go. Vent. I apologize in advance that this might not all make sense, and I will prolly talk in circles, because I do that. So grab a drink, maybe some popcorn and settle in, this could be a long one.
I do not think highly of myself. I know this. I just find it hard that after twenty four years of never being good enough, I was never perfect enough, that at some point I kind of stopped caring. And now sometime in the last sixteen years, I have become the one you don’t want to turn out like… the bad seed that failed to sprout. No matter what I was suppose to be or who I am not suppose to become, there was never a time when it was okay for me to just be me. Kayla was never really an appropriate option. I have always been not good enough or not worth the effort. Thus it is hard for me to be okay. It was hard for me to come up with reasons why Kiel should have picked me, why I was better than the other girls… It is hard for me to see why I am better without him when he was really the first person to walk in and be okay with just me. I didn’t have to be anything with him. I loved him for that.
Letting go of Kiel was a very hard thing for me to do. The number one reason being, that I am still very much in love of the idea of Kiel. I always knew he never did and never would feel for me the same way I felt for him, but try telling that to the heart of a young girl. It was hard, at the end, to really come to terms with the fact that it was all for nothing. It just seems wrong that we were really good friends who could talk about anything and had some really great times together to have it end the way it did. He wasn’t supposed to end up being the asshole. He should not have dried my tears and reassure me that it will all be okay, when he knew it wouldn’t. He shouldn’t have tried so hard at being that respectful for years of my feelings only to become that guy.
For a long time after, part of me wanted a boyfriend to make Kiel jealous. Part of me wanted a boyfriend to help me get over him. But mostly I think I wanted a boyfriend just to prove that it is possible. Kiel was the only guy to be interested in me, even if it was only for sex. All my other guy friends or potential whatevers would rather just be my friend, nothing more. He was willing to give it a try. Granted I can’t totally blame him cause I am a crazy lady but he knew that going in! We were friends for years. He knew how I felt about him, we talked about it. And when he was drunk and got all flirty and handsy with other girls, he never did it to me. I asked him about it. He said he cared about me too much, as his friend, to give me the wrong impression or hurt me in that way. And that was where I got confused and frustrated and I didn’t get it. That was when we started hanging out more, talking more, really actually being good friends. We had our ups and downs and in the end, it blew up into something nobody wanted to be a part of. Now, please note, I said I am still very much in love with the idea of Kiel. Kiel would have been a really great guy if not for the fact that he was Kiel.
Now, fast forward two years. I am back in the same dame boat. Not with Kiel! No!! That boat is burnt and scattered across the desert, never having any hope of even seeing water again, let alone sailing in it. Now we have a brand new boat who is a lot like the old boat only different. Some differences are good, some are bad. But should I really be back on a boat on the water? Shouldn’t I be on a seadoo or a surfboard maybe? I don’t know what I am doing. I am flying by the seat of my pants and I can’t decide if I am okay with that or not. I do know, as much as I try not to, I really like this guy. The more I hang out with him, the more I am around him the more I like about him and the more I want to be around him. Part of me thinks I need to the hell back on dry land and stay there for a very long time!! But part of me says hey, I am young, why not live a little… I don’t know what I am doing.

The Update

School: Today, after attending class for three weeks, I got officially accepted.... good thing... what a relief!! Last week was soup week, and as you may know, I am not a fan of soup. Just no thanks, I would rather have something else. So, class was interesting for me cause it was sorta like foreign, but I did okay. For my groups' free choice soup we made chicken tortilla and I prolly ate half of it before we served it, then once Chef graded up, I ate most of that bowl too. So good! Thank you Gustavo! This coming week is on Vegetable... oh joy. It shouldn't be too bad... I hope. Ain't going to lie, a little nervous. Then the week after that is the mid-term, super scared about that, but the next week after that is chicken so that should be fun! I am excited for chicken!

Home: Last Saturday was my parent's wedding anniversary. I thought I would be fine, because it was nothing we really celebrated before. Mom and dad would usually exchange cards and Dad would get Mom some flowers and that would be that... no big thing. had class Saturday afternoon and as I drove down, I started sobbing like a baby. Nice. While in class it wasn't so hard to control my emotions because I was busy with a ton of things to do and get done so I didn't really have time to think, but have no fear, once I hit the parking lot after and saw the truck... lost it! Great.

Life: I have always said that I love people. I find them fascinating. I love to watch them because as a whole, people aren't vary smart yet are very entertaining! Recently, I have become aware, yet again, at how amazing people can be. The expectations that just because that is how they feel, that is how you should feel as well. Really? No, thank you, I will hold my own opinion of you. Also, I am amazed at the balls some people have and the things they offer and request. I am growing a lot but there is still a long way for me to go, but I don't think I will ever be as confident as some of my new friends. It is a scary world out there, and it makes me nervous but I am going to try my best to put my head up and be a part of it. I use to think only I could hold me back, and I still think that is true, but in some ways, I am happy to withdraw from certain activities.

That is all I got for this moment... I got a couple stories for you but there is some stuff happening that will add to it so I think I am going to wait and just lay it all out at one time. So keep checking in and I will let you know as soon as I know more!

Love, K

just getting by

Due to the fact that I am trying to balance work, school and homework, I don't have much extra time on my hands. I am usually driving here or reading this, studying that or looking up whatever. It is hard. In the beginning I thought it would be good for me. As an internalizer I didn't want to sit around and have nothing to do but think and stew about my dad. I didn't want to sit around the house day after day and think about all the things I miss, all the things I wish we could do, all the things he will miss. So, when school started up and I sort of got thrown in, I was somewhat pleased knowing I wouldn't have much time to think. However I am now finding out that that may not be such a good thing either. I was driving to school the other day and saw something that triggered a memory of my dad and I lost it. Tears, sobbing, snot... not pretty. I have found that I do not choose to think of him as dead and gone. I think of him as away. I think of him as gone on a camping trip or a vacation somewhere. But I am really ready for him to come home. I am ready for him to walk up the stairs and smile and say hey. I am ready to complete again.
I had a dream the other night that just made it even more ridiculous for me. I had a dream we were having dinner and he came walking up the stairs. His hair was an outgrown mess, his beard full. He looked happy. Happy to have had the time off. Happy to be back home. But then I woke up. I always wake up. I got up. Went to school, and continued on my way.
Normal is really easy to fake. It is almost too simple to let people think of me as another face in the crowd who really has nothing going on but school. To simply change the subject if things get a little to close to the danger zone. Nobody knows at school. That is not true. My Chefs know. They know that if I walk into class with my sunglasses on, not to ask, just let me be. They know not to ask me certain questions that are fair game to most every other student. They simply ask me how my day is going when I walk in and usually I am good. Most of the time things are really great but there are those days, those hours, those moments that grab my throat and make me wonder if this is something I should be doing right now? Do I really want to be here right now?
I thought going to school would be easy. Dad was never at school. Dad never was a part of that decision. But then I walk onto campus and I see him everywhere. He would be so proud of what I want to do with my life. He would think this is so cool. He would wait for me to come home everyday just to hear what I learned. He would make me show him everything and make him everything just so he could taste it. He would have thought this was the pretty much coolest thing around. He would have been happy that I am going to be something one day. He would be so happy that I took something I loved and am turning it into a career. He would have been proud. He would have been happy. He would have been... *sigh* I miss him. I miss him so much it hurts. It still doesn't seem right without him here. It all still seems off. I am still sad. I am still not okay. I am still not ready to talk about it. I just know he is happy with me, and I am so grateful he put in a good word for me, cause for the first time in a long time, I am pretty happy.
Love, K

Genious Meeting

There was a genius meeting on Saturday. In attendance were: Bach (duh), Van Gouge, Grey, Aristotle, Einstein, Darwin, Rembrandt, and a lovely little blond, whom I am growing to love! It was a great night of remembering the good old days, and laughing till it hurt. BBQ and drinks. However, it has been decided, we are old. We all have some sort of complaint about the "kids" around us, be it at school, at work, or in daily life. This was even more proven as we all sat, in candle light, listening to John Mayer and had to all go home by 11... WOW! Watch out, we are all crazy party animals! I am sort of embarrassed by this, we are suppose to be the intoxicated geniuses for Pete's sake! But the worst by far is the fact that we all sat there and talked about how hard we use to part and how we don't know how we ever did that. So sad.
Love, K

A Day At The Meet

On Sunday, after church, I made an outing with my sister, Aunt, Uncle, some cousins, and Family Friend Jimi to The Meet. Those of you who are unaware of what that may be, it is infamously called a swap meet. Now, normally I would be super excited about such an adventure, however... on this particular day, in April, someone left the sun on and it was about 110 degrees. Let me tell you, The Meet + 110 degrees + no beer + no shade = not a whole lot of happiness. PLUS!! I didn't even get a shaved ice!!! What kind of meet doesn't have shaved ice? I was so disappointed! I did get a really cute backpack though, but that is besides the point! So, sad and depressed about the outing at The Meet, I convinced my sister to go sit in some air conditioning and get our hair cut! HOWEVER! The lady got all sorts of scissor happy and totally messed up my do. I know it is only hair and it will grow back, but I choose to be bitter and unhappy about what was suppose to be an amazingly wonderful day that turned out sad and sunburned. That is all I have to say about that!
Love, K

School: Week Two

So this week was a lot easier to go into... I knew a little bit of what I was going into and I was prepared cause I am a nerd who did all my homework, plus a little extra to get ahead. So had some quizzes, made some sauces and learned how to fabricate a chicken. Talked to Fake Noah a little bit more and got to know him a bit better. Super excited because while last week we made stocks this week we made sauces and so I feel we are moving up quickly and soon I will be going home and actually making meals that are super tasty and impress my family. I am amazed at how much I will be learning in such a short period of time, it all seems a little overwhelming to look at it but to actually go through it, it doesn't seem like it is too much. So far so good, but that is only my opinion... my Chefs might think differently (hahaha) so, until next time..
Love, K

School: Week One

So, I realize I have been crazy busy and I have yet to tell you all about my exciting new day events... So school... week one. day one. I was super nervous being it was my first day at big girl school and I had to be cool cause it isn't just any big girl school it is the art institute so I gotta look cool and creative and edgy, like I belong there... good news, I didn't do anything embarrassing or get lost or fall or fart or anything that would cause me to not go back. Day one was nice because it was my normal cloths day and so it was a nice entry into the whole shebang. My first class was chill, I think it will be fine. Not necessarily a party, but not going to want to poke my eye out with a pen either!! Day Two: the first day I had to dress in my uniform. Again, super nervous cause I looks sorta retarded in my uniform but hey, every body else is wearing it too right? So yeah, Class Two was cool, because while we have to wear the uniform, it is a lecture class so we don't cook, again, a nice intro to the whole process. Day Three: First cooking class... Forced to cook on the first freaking day... holy crap, these people have way to much confidence in me already! This isn't even my total major! So, yeah, but it was good, my team did well, there is a boy I like to look at and talk to.. this could get interesting! He has been dubbed Fake Noah. Day Four: they let me play with knives!! Like really really sharp knives! I didn't cut myself and turns out I actually have some skill... who knew? Thank God the week is over!! I am so happy to be one with week one and so excited for a couple of days off! Super excited for next week to see what happens and what I learn... and to see Fake Noah again! ... Until next time...
Love, K

Winding Roads Lead to Wind

So, as I mentioned, I went to the desert this past weekend. It was rumored to be the last trip of the season, but really, who knows. I went out Thursday night, because I could. It was terrible windy, but we made the best of it. I was ready and willing to sleep in the back of the truck but Aunt Shelly said I was sleeping in the trailer so I did... inside the trailer it is warm and not windy with a door and a bathroom.. WOO HOO!! So night one = terrible windy, not cold, horribly windy... slept okay in the trailer except that my bed mate, who I love dearly with all my heart, snored a bit, got over that real quick and rolled over and went to sleep. Day One. Friday = TERRIBLY WINDY! but... we put on our goggles and made the best out of the situation. Turned an easy up into a fun parachuting game, but had to stop cause Bear got hurt. Little bit of a concussion but all in all she is good now, at least, that is the last I have heard. So then, the boys were going to go on a small ride I guys but guess what... Jimi fell. Crashed due to wind. Surgery was done, I was not there, but I was asked for an assist at the end. Jimi lives on to ride another day. Night Two = not as windy. New friends showed up. Carne Asada and Pollo Asada is yummy. Slept WAY good!! On the Aerobed! Woot Woot!! Day Three = like no wind!! Cold in the shade. Hot in the sun. Sunburn if you are not careful. No wind for the parachuting games, made for a sad KP. ummm.. yeah... Night Three = Pot luck that I never eat at. Got in trouble for not being a party animal. Went to bed. Interesting evening in the trailer!! Lot of talking, confusion, and Jack in The Box. Day Four = beautiful weather. Packed up and went home. Did laundry. Put everything away. slept real good!!!
And that, my friends was my weekend... you are welcome!!
Love, K

moving forward

Okay, so there is a lot that has changed!! Like, I am a college student. Now, don't feel left out if you know nothing about this... it has all happened VERY quickly. A little over a week ago, my mom mentioned to me that maybe I should figure out my life and decide what I wanna be when I "grow up" and that if I wanted to do something that would mean that I had to go to school, now is the time. SO... I thought about it and I had Freud on the look out for a job for me cause what I got ain't going to cut it anymore and she wrote me and was like what kind of job do you want?? You like to bake... wanna go to like cooking school or something? And that made me go hmmm... so I went on-line and did a little research and signed up to have a couple places send me some info. Two days later, I got a call from an admissions guy named Baris from the Art Institute. He asked if I wanted to come and tour the campus and learn more about the program. So, I thought, hmm, touring the campus couldn't hurt... too much... so I went. Next thing I knew I was filling out an application and then getting accepted and then filling out financial aide and getting that and then planning my course load... CRAZY!!! So that was last Thursday. Thursday night I left for the desert. Came back on Sunday, went to school on Monday for another meeting with Baris. Got my supply kit, got my id badge, my schedule and my uniforms! So today, Wednesday was my first class. It was fun. I enjoyed it. A little scared for my classes tomorrow and Friday and Saturday because they are in the kitchen... eek!!! So yeah, I am officially a student at the International Culinary School at the Art Institute. I am going to get a degree and have a career! WOO HOO!! I am so excited!! I never felt I had any direction in life, that I was always just kinda along for the ride... but now... now I am excited to wake up in the morning to move along into the future. A future that I know that I will be okay. A future that I know I will like. A future that I know I will have.
If you go back to the beginning of my blog, you will read that I was so sure that 2009 was going to be my year. It started with an amazing new years and things just seemed happy, things just seemed to happen. Then, when Dad died, I thought 2009 was going to turn out just like the last 24... but now, I don't think that 2009 will be so bad. While I will be the first to admit that it took a major blow, I still have hope that I can rise up. Maybe it won't be so bad. God has it all planned out and maybe he and my dad have something cooking upstairs that will truly make not just 2009 but the rest of my years to come, better than I could have ever dreamed. I know that I have a lot of people on my side, supporting me and pushing for me to be great. And I can only hope that I will be. I hope I can rise to the challenge and be the person my dad always hoped I would be. I hope I do him proud. Only time will tell... until next time...
Love, K

yeah... still on the mend...

You can tell... whether or not someone has lost someone close to them. Not because they say all the right things or know the magic words to make you feel better. Survivors know what not to say... and what not to ask. Over the last two weeks there is one question over the others that just seems worse. Now, I know that nobody means any harm or hurt by asking, cause they really do care and are concerned and simply just don't know what else to ask. One might assume the question would be the first ones asked. The shock filled wonder of any sudden event... What? Who? However, in reality, those don't bother me so much, maybe because I myself don't totally believe the what or the who. The question that gets to me the most... How are you doing?
It hurts because I don't know how I am doing. I only know how I am not doing. I would love to say that I am fine... that I am getting back into the swing of things... that I don't cry much anymore... that it doesn't hurt to breathe... but I'm not... I am nowhere close... I do cry, a lot... and it does. So if I simply respond, "I'm okay" please don't pry. I don't want to talk about it. Talking leads to thinking. Thinking leads to tears. Tears just bring more pain.
I don't want to discuss how I thought it would be at least a little bit easier by now. That I wouldn't still hope or look for any evidence that he isn't really gone.
I don't want to discuss that I can't sleep. No, I am afraid to sleep. Afraid of the inevitable and the possibility that comes with sleeping. The inevitability that I will wake up another morning to face another day and to put on another "show". But the possibility is worse. Most nights I dream about him. Dreams of better days past. Dreams about hopes and wishes that are now impossible. Dreams so real, waking up, the real world seems like a dream and dream life seems real. The painstaking amount of time that it takes every morning to convince myself of what is real and what is no longer anything more than a memory. Even worse are the dreams and I guess day dreams recalling that morning. My door opening. My mom's face. My dad's cold hand. However, the worst are the dreams that I could have done something. That I could have notice a sign, seen something that I hadn't before.... that I could have saved him.
I try not to think about it during the day. I try to stay strong for my mom and my younger siblings. I try to stay strong for me. But it is hard. Going to to church without him. Coming out of my room and hot hearing him hum some gospel song. Smoking a cigarette before pulling the car around. Sitting in our seats, singing the songs. I couldn't sing because in every song, I heard his voice loudest of all. Sunday afternoon. When he use to putz around in his workshop is now silent. Sunday nights when we would silently battle who could stay up longer. To win and see the light go off under my door and hear him walk to bed. To lose and fall asleep to the sound of his TV. Now it is just a cold, dark, silent and lifeless garage. Monday morning. Monday mornings terrify me now. While most of the world hates Monday mornings I use to love them. Mondays were my favorite days. Mondays were our days. Mondays were something we shared. A small thing in common... a day off... a day home... together. Mondays were something I looked forward to. Now, I don't look forward to much. I can't tell whether it is the house that is now cold, dark and empty or if it is the people living in it.
Today I went with my mom to do some paperwork and official business. My dad once said he was worth more dead than alive, and I guess, if you look at the dollar amount, he might be right... but I would rather live on the streets, starving, freezing with nothing as long as he was there with me. It all just seems so unfair.
Also, I am surprised at who truly seems to care. There are two people in particular that I was surprised to see that they even still in last day, text me to see how we are holding up and one, who numerous times has told me his shoulder is ready and waiting for when I need it. These two people I have known for a while but never really thought of them as friends. I was wrong. And on the flip side. There are people who I thought the world of and now realize, they are really nothing special, and again I was wrong.
Lastly, through all this it has been brought to my attention how much a card or flowers mean to the soul. That they really do make you feel loved. I want to get better about cards and letters. I want to be a better daughter. A better sister. A better granddaughter. A better niece. A better cousin. A better friend. A better person. To not let the petty past torture my soul. To let go of the things I can not control and actually live life.
Love, K

one week later

... everyday is a battle. Everyday is hard. It is waking up every morning and convincing myself again that he really is gone. That it wasn't just a dream. It is laying in bed and crying till I am certain I can face the day, my family, and whatever new challenges lay ahead. It is the thousands of knots in my stomach making me feel sick. It is the lump in my throat making it hard to breathe. It is the burning from the river of tears that never seems to run dry. It is aching red eyes. It's runny chapped noses. It's in every pocket filled with kleenex. All these things I thought would be under control by now, and though they are better, it feels like it will never go away. It is wanting to call out to him to ask him some stupid question. It is looking at his workshop every morning and not wanting to move a single thing. It is the fear of repeating the actions of that night. It is the dreams that wake me. The dreams that haunt me. It is in the way I can't really talk about it. It is in the way I don't want to talk about it because that would make it real. It is the hole inside me, making me empty. It is the cards, messages, texts and hugs that even though they are in best of intention, just make me sad. It is seeing grown men cry. It is seeing all the people who loved him. It is finding out all the things that make him an even greater man than I ever could have dreamed. It is the loaded silence that now fills the house. It is that big green truck in the driveway. It is seeing my mother break down, numerous times a day. It is watching my siblings deal with their own greif in their own way. It is my own heart... breaking.... that is what hurts the most.
All the extended family is now gone home. Back to their lives. Back to normal. ...normal... I was never happy with my life. Always wanting more, and now, all I want is just a little tiny sliver of that "normal" and savor it. This last week has been hard, but I fear this next week will be harder still. The going back to school. Back to work. Cleaning out the garage. Cleaning out the workshop. Cleaning out his closet. Cleaning out the house. Some of it will be good for the soul... to get rid of all the crap we needed to go through for years but never got around to.... but then there are the things that will kill me. The things that were so him that it hurts to just look at them without him. It is his new presents he was so excited to recieve. It is the things he should still be using today. It is sweeping up the pieces and putting them back together to make something that hopefully will somewhat resemble a normal life. I am not looking forward to the next week... not even a little bit... not even at all.
Love, K

Death... death is easy. Life... life is hard. However, living after a death... that is almost unbearable. I never gave much thought to a life without my dad, because I thought we had time. I thought he would get to see his youngest daughter and only son graduate from high school. I thought he would get to walk his girls down the isle. I thought he would get Cody to change his mind about football and one day, see him go pro. In all these situations, I could see him glow. His huge smile, tears in his eyes, and look of sheer joy on his face. But of all the things he will now miss, the thing that saddens me the most is that he will never get to meet his grand kids. That man loved babies.
It is weird the things you think of. How he was always going to teach me how to work on cars. How he always wanted to fix up that stupid camper out back. How we could sit in the garage and plan for hours what would happen if we won the lottery. All those plans, dreams, hopes, and wishes... The stupid things you wonder about. Who is going to wrap all the Christmas presents. Who is going to cut the meat at dinner. Who is going to carve the meat at Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. The stupid little things I know I will miss. Him talking me down after a fight with my mom. Him talking reason into me when I want to go do something reckless. Him telling me he loved me and he will miss me when I go camping. How he always told me to be safe when I left for the desert. Hearing him say hey when he walked up the stairs. The battle of who could sleep in longer on Monday mornings. Monday mornings. Cutting his salt hair that has lost all the pepper. Coming out of my room to see him doing something naughty in the garage. Seeing the light go out from under the door to know he is going to bed. Hearing him hum on Sunday mornings. Him. The stupid things that remind me of him in an instant. My headboard. All the shelves in my room. The carpet in my apartment. The color on the wall. Certain songs on the radio. Certain little things that I would never that thought twice about.
Last night, when I was trying to go to sleep, I kept telling myself I will get through it. That this will all, one day, be okay. But as the river of tears kept streaming... I knew it isn't going to be okay. Life will never be normal, because what is normal? There is so much going through my head it is hard to get a handle on any of it. I appreciate all my friends who have reached out but as for this moment in time, I just need to be left alone. I need to figure out how I will deal with it. I will let you know how I am doing on that.
Love, K



Hey Dad, Between now and then, till I see you again, I'll be loving you.
Love, Me

... favoritism ...

Being a part of the Intoxicated Geniuses makes me happy. We are a diverse group of people who somehow seem like we are all the same person. Not just because we all get along and enjoy the same things, but because at times, we even think the same things and finish each other's sentences. Now of course we fight because we are all different from different backgrounds. Raised in, for the most part, completely different worlds. Making us love each other all the more! I love my friends. Now that being said, at times, I do have favorites. Sometimes, one genius understands my trials better than another. Darwin and I share something special, none of the other geniuses seem to understand the appeal of Edward, Emmett, Jasper and even lil' 16 year-old Jacob. Grey and I have something no other genius has... we not only share memories of the survival of our youth but we also share DNA. BUT! Today, Freud has won my heart simply by knowing I am a girl and knowing one of my greatest weaknesses. Today, she sent me flowers in a large margarita glass. That is pure genius at it's finest. Look at what she did!!

She would be your favorite too huh?? I know. I have an amazing friend. I am not ashamed of it... I can be bought!

So I had other things to say but I am trying to do too much at one time and I am forgetting. I will remember soon and let you know all about it. So until then...

Love, K

From Behind The Lines

I know, I know.. I promised to be here more for you and I have failed you.... I am sorry! So, let's have a quick catch up. Went to the desert second weekend in a row. It was suppose to be a four day weekend out there but I sorta bailed out and went out on Saturday. Multiple reasons lead to this decision, but here are top there... one, by staying I had a ride, two, by staying I got to sleep in a trailer, and three KP had some Spanish test drama and so I stayed with her and we rode up on Saturday with Aristotle and Grey. Totally fun trip.. no drama with the Asshat that use to be. In fact, I actually, for the first time since the drama all went down, felt that things might be okay again. I know time heals all wounds but this one was a doozy and I was pretty sure it was never going to be okay due to the way it all went down. But no! There was light conversation and even mild joking, personally, I was impressed with the growth within myself. Sooooo, yeah, second weekend in a row in the desert was good. Monday morning when the wind and rain started, I ain't going to lie, I was ready to go home and be done with it all. You know.. go home, shower, clean up and snuggle up and be warm and clean and watch a movie and have a wonderful night in. Tuesday I had to work... booo!!! Got Wednesday and Thursday off. Decided to be a big girl and finally tackle my iTunes problem. (my itunes crashed and I am super upset and very angry about it, don't wish to speak about it, thanks for your concern) I also tackled all the things I have been putting off. I cleaned my bathroom, vacuumed my apartment, worked on the church directory, and tackled the itunes thing. Worked today, Friday, it was lame. And then I got suckered into going to T.G.I. Fridays with the geniuses. Brilliantly taken in by Freud. Thank You. Then after I ran some errands with her and now I am reporting from "behind enemy lines". Not enemy lines at all. At Einstein and Darwin's apartment with Rembrandt and Freud. A quote girls night, I guess. Nights like this remind me that I miss my friends. I miss being able to go out and not care about anything but having a good time. I miss my relationships. I don't remember when I stopped being social. I LOVE talking about the good old days. I love being asked my advise. I love having an opinion that matters.

Sidebar... I am super... I mean SUPER EXCITED about Vegas!! I am excited about my new sexy shoes. I am excited about walking in a V. I am excited to party with my friends in a way that we have never partied before. Palm Springs is going to be great, two floors of fun but VEGAS!! Oh man! Noah, I love you and I am so excited to start this next chapter of my life with you. I love you for accepting me for who I am. I love you for loving my friends. I love you for the man you want to be and for the man you almost are. Thank you for Vegas. Thank you for you.

Bitch Moment... So, all I want to say is that I am a firm believer in the fact that if you can't take care of them you shouldn't have pets. Kids are one thing, I get it that those are not always plans and more often than not people are never be completely financially ready.... that is one thing. But pets... COME ON! Others would love them. And if you have to pay your employee to take care of YOUR PETS for YOU.... SOMETHING is WRONG! Get rid of them and be done. Do us all the favor.

Also, I get that in all of my crew I am the youngest. And some bonds are closer than others, but I truly love messages from Steve about being long and girthy. LOVE IT!!!

QUOTE OF THE EVENING: Freud, "Don't worry, there is no hole!"

TEXT MESSAGE OF THE EVENING: Steve, "Don't make me show you my penis"

As for the future, tomorrow I am going to watch Emma for Freud. Good things to come. The month of march has a lot of potential with Jury Duty, babysitting the Arendse kids, desert trips and Genius fun... I look forward to sharing it all with you!
Love, K

A Moment of Unhappy Feelings Released.

I have always been one who tries to be informed about what is around me so I can be a good American and do what is asked of me. I read and study up so I can vote. I, for the most part, obey the laws and rules of the road and daily life. I sit and listen to Tommy Wommy when he goes off in a political tangent. I don't even mind going to jury duty. You never know what could happen or who you could meet. My first time, I met a seemingly very nice boy. We hung for a while and whatever, life happens but it is some good memories! I do however, have a problem with going to FEDERAL court for A FREAKING MONTH! Being on call for a month really shouldn't bother me cause I really don't have a life and it isn't like I got a lot going on in March that I can't do it. But it is the principle of the whole thing. They just expect us to put our lives on hold and be at their beck and call for a month? WHAT IS THAT? All I gotta say is I better get on a freaking trial for the first time in my life or I am going to be REALLY upset about the whole thing. But all in all I guess you have something to look forward too... me at Jury Duty at the Federal Court down in San Diego... if this isn't going to be entertainment I don't know what is!!
Love, K