Genious Meeting

There was a genius meeting on Saturday. In attendance were: Bach (duh), Van Gouge, Grey, Aristotle, Einstein, Darwin, Rembrandt, and a lovely little blond, whom I am growing to love! It was a great night of remembering the good old days, and laughing till it hurt. BBQ and drinks. However, it has been decided, we are old. We all have some sort of complaint about the "kids" around us, be it at school, at work, or in daily life. This was even more proven as we all sat, in candle light, listening to John Mayer and had to all go home by 11... WOW! Watch out, we are all crazy party animals! I am sort of embarrassed by this, we are suppose to be the intoxicated geniuses for Pete's sake! But the worst by far is the fact that we all sat there and talked about how hard we use to part and how we don't know how we ever did that. So sad.
Love, K

A Day At The Meet

On Sunday, after church, I made an outing with my sister, Aunt, Uncle, some cousins, and Family Friend Jimi to The Meet. Those of you who are unaware of what that may be, it is infamously called a swap meet. Now, normally I would be super excited about such an adventure, however... on this particular day, in April, someone left the sun on and it was about 110 degrees. Let me tell you, The Meet + 110 degrees + no beer + no shade = not a whole lot of happiness. PLUS!! I didn't even get a shaved ice!!! What kind of meet doesn't have shaved ice? I was so disappointed! I did get a really cute backpack though, but that is besides the point! So, sad and depressed about the outing at The Meet, I convinced my sister to go sit in some air conditioning and get our hair cut! HOWEVER! The lady got all sorts of scissor happy and totally messed up my do. I know it is only hair and it will grow back, but I choose to be bitter and unhappy about what was suppose to be an amazingly wonderful day that turned out sad and sunburned. That is all I have to say about that!
Love, K

School: Week Two

So this week was a lot easier to go into... I knew a little bit of what I was going into and I was prepared cause I am a nerd who did all my homework, plus a little extra to get ahead. So had some quizzes, made some sauces and learned how to fabricate a chicken. Talked to Fake Noah a little bit more and got to know him a bit better. Super excited because while last week we made stocks this week we made sauces and so I feel we are moving up quickly and soon I will be going home and actually making meals that are super tasty and impress my family. I am amazed at how much I will be learning in such a short period of time, it all seems a little overwhelming to look at it but to actually go through it, it doesn't seem like it is too much. So far so good, but that is only my opinion... my Chefs might think differently (hahaha) so, until next time..
Love, K

School: Week One

So, I realize I have been crazy busy and I have yet to tell you all about my exciting new day events... So school... week one. day one. I was super nervous being it was my first day at big girl school and I had to be cool cause it isn't just any big girl school it is the art institute so I gotta look cool and creative and edgy, like I belong there... good news, I didn't do anything embarrassing or get lost or fall or fart or anything that would cause me to not go back. Day one was nice because it was my normal cloths day and so it was a nice entry into the whole shebang. My first class was chill, I think it will be fine. Not necessarily a party, but not going to want to poke my eye out with a pen either!! Day Two: the first day I had to dress in my uniform. Again, super nervous cause I looks sorta retarded in my uniform but hey, every body else is wearing it too right? So yeah, Class Two was cool, because while we have to wear the uniform, it is a lecture class so we don't cook, again, a nice intro to the whole process. Day Three: First cooking class... Forced to cook on the first freaking day... holy crap, these people have way to much confidence in me already! This isn't even my total major! So, yeah, but it was good, my team did well, there is a boy I like to look at and talk to.. this could get interesting! He has been dubbed Fake Noah. Day Four: they let me play with knives!! Like really really sharp knives! I didn't cut myself and turns out I actually have some skill... who knew? Thank God the week is over!! I am so happy to be one with week one and so excited for a couple of days off! Super excited for next week to see what happens and what I learn... and to see Fake Noah again! ... Until next time...
Love, K

Winding Roads Lead to Wind

So, as I mentioned, I went to the desert this past weekend. It was rumored to be the last trip of the season, but really, who knows. I went out Thursday night, because I could. It was terrible windy, but we made the best of it. I was ready and willing to sleep in the back of the truck but Aunt Shelly said I was sleeping in the trailer so I did... inside the trailer it is warm and not windy with a door and a bathroom.. WOO HOO!! So night one = terrible windy, not cold, horribly windy... slept okay in the trailer except that my bed mate, who I love dearly with all my heart, snored a bit, got over that real quick and rolled over and went to sleep. Day One. Friday = TERRIBLY WINDY! but... we put on our goggles and made the best out of the situation. Turned an easy up into a fun parachuting game, but had to stop cause Bear got hurt. Little bit of a concussion but all in all she is good now, at least, that is the last I have heard. So then, the boys were going to go on a small ride I guys but guess what... Jimi fell. Crashed due to wind. Surgery was done, I was not there, but I was asked for an assist at the end. Jimi lives on to ride another day. Night Two = not as windy. New friends showed up. Carne Asada and Pollo Asada is yummy. Slept WAY good!! On the Aerobed! Woot Woot!! Day Three = like no wind!! Cold in the shade. Hot in the sun. Sunburn if you are not careful. No wind for the parachuting games, made for a sad KP. ummm.. yeah... Night Three = Pot luck that I never eat at. Got in trouble for not being a party animal. Went to bed. Interesting evening in the trailer!! Lot of talking, confusion, and Jack in The Box. Day Four = beautiful weather. Packed up and went home. Did laundry. Put everything away. slept real good!!!
And that, my friends was my weekend... you are welcome!!
Love, K

moving forward

Okay, so there is a lot that has changed!! Like, I am a college student. Now, don't feel left out if you know nothing about this... it has all happened VERY quickly. A little over a week ago, my mom mentioned to me that maybe I should figure out my life and decide what I wanna be when I "grow up" and that if I wanted to do something that would mean that I had to go to school, now is the time. SO... I thought about it and I had Freud on the look out for a job for me cause what I got ain't going to cut it anymore and she wrote me and was like what kind of job do you want?? You like to bake... wanna go to like cooking school or something? And that made me go hmmm... so I went on-line and did a little research and signed up to have a couple places send me some info. Two days later, I got a call from an admissions guy named Baris from the Art Institute. He asked if I wanted to come and tour the campus and learn more about the program. So, I thought, hmm, touring the campus couldn't hurt... too much... so I went. Next thing I knew I was filling out an application and then getting accepted and then filling out financial aide and getting that and then planning my course load... CRAZY!!! So that was last Thursday. Thursday night I left for the desert. Came back on Sunday, went to school on Monday for another meeting with Baris. Got my supply kit, got my id badge, my schedule and my uniforms! So today, Wednesday was my first class. It was fun. I enjoyed it. A little scared for my classes tomorrow and Friday and Saturday because they are in the kitchen... eek!!! So yeah, I am officially a student at the International Culinary School at the Art Institute. I am going to get a degree and have a career! WOO HOO!! I am so excited!! I never felt I had any direction in life, that I was always just kinda along for the ride... but now... now I am excited to wake up in the morning to move along into the future. A future that I know that I will be okay. A future that I know I will like. A future that I know I will have.
If you go back to the beginning of my blog, you will read that I was so sure that 2009 was going to be my year. It started with an amazing new years and things just seemed happy, things just seemed to happen. Then, when Dad died, I thought 2009 was going to turn out just like the last 24... but now, I don't think that 2009 will be so bad. While I will be the first to admit that it took a major blow, I still have hope that I can rise up. Maybe it won't be so bad. God has it all planned out and maybe he and my dad have something cooking upstairs that will truly make not just 2009 but the rest of my years to come, better than I could have ever dreamed. I know that I have a lot of people on my side, supporting me and pushing for me to be great. And I can only hope that I will be. I hope I can rise to the challenge and be the person my dad always hoped I would be. I hope I do him proud. Only time will tell... until next time...
Love, K

yeah... still on the mend...

You can tell... whether or not someone has lost someone close to them. Not because they say all the right things or know the magic words to make you feel better. Survivors know what not to say... and what not to ask. Over the last two weeks there is one question over the others that just seems worse. Now, I know that nobody means any harm or hurt by asking, cause they really do care and are concerned and simply just don't know what else to ask. One might assume the question would be the first ones asked. The shock filled wonder of any sudden event... What? Who? However, in reality, those don't bother me so much, maybe because I myself don't totally believe the what or the who. The question that gets to me the most... How are you doing?
It hurts because I don't know how I am doing. I only know how I am not doing. I would love to say that I am fine... that I am getting back into the swing of things... that I don't cry much anymore... that it doesn't hurt to breathe... but I'm not... I am nowhere close... I do cry, a lot... and it does. So if I simply respond, "I'm okay" please don't pry. I don't want to talk about it. Talking leads to thinking. Thinking leads to tears. Tears just bring more pain.
I don't want to discuss how I thought it would be at least a little bit easier by now. That I wouldn't still hope or look for any evidence that he isn't really gone.
I don't want to discuss that I can't sleep. No, I am afraid to sleep. Afraid of the inevitable and the possibility that comes with sleeping. The inevitability that I will wake up another morning to face another day and to put on another "show". But the possibility is worse. Most nights I dream about him. Dreams of better days past. Dreams about hopes and wishes that are now impossible. Dreams so real, waking up, the real world seems like a dream and dream life seems real. The painstaking amount of time that it takes every morning to convince myself of what is real and what is no longer anything more than a memory. Even worse are the dreams and I guess day dreams recalling that morning. My door opening. My mom's face. My dad's cold hand. However, the worst are the dreams that I could have done something. That I could have notice a sign, seen something that I hadn't before.... that I could have saved him.
I try not to think about it during the day. I try to stay strong for my mom and my younger siblings. I try to stay strong for me. But it is hard. Going to to church without him. Coming out of my room and hot hearing him hum some gospel song. Smoking a cigarette before pulling the car around. Sitting in our seats, singing the songs. I couldn't sing because in every song, I heard his voice loudest of all. Sunday afternoon. When he use to putz around in his workshop is now silent. Sunday nights when we would silently battle who could stay up longer. To win and see the light go off under my door and hear him walk to bed. To lose and fall asleep to the sound of his TV. Now it is just a cold, dark, silent and lifeless garage. Monday morning. Monday mornings terrify me now. While most of the world hates Monday mornings I use to love them. Mondays were my favorite days. Mondays were our days. Mondays were something we shared. A small thing in common... a day off... a day home... together. Mondays were something I looked forward to. Now, I don't look forward to much. I can't tell whether it is the house that is now cold, dark and empty or if it is the people living in it.
Today I went with my mom to do some paperwork and official business. My dad once said he was worth more dead than alive, and I guess, if you look at the dollar amount, he might be right... but I would rather live on the streets, starving, freezing with nothing as long as he was there with me. It all just seems so unfair.
Also, I am surprised at who truly seems to care. There are two people in particular that I was surprised to see that they even still in last day, text me to see how we are holding up and one, who numerous times has told me his shoulder is ready and waiting for when I need it. These two people I have known for a while but never really thought of them as friends. I was wrong. And on the flip side. There are people who I thought the world of and now realize, they are really nothing special, and again I was wrong.
Lastly, through all this it has been brought to my attention how much a card or flowers mean to the soul. That they really do make you feel loved. I want to get better about cards and letters. I want to be a better daughter. A better sister. A better granddaughter. A better niece. A better cousin. A better friend. A better person. To not let the petty past torture my soul. To let go of the things I can not control and actually live life.
Love, K