a heart to heart

For a little while now I have been thinking of all the things going through my brain and how much of a happier person I may be if I let it out. So, I feel I should do this now. Sometimes it helps to just say it out loud, and sometimes, even if it isn’t what you want to hear, it helps to have someone respond, even if it is just a simple hug or a shoulder to cry on. So I am going to let it go. Vent. I apologize in advance that this might not all make sense, and I will prolly talk in circles, because I do that. So grab a drink, maybe some popcorn and settle in, this could be a long one.
I do not think highly of myself. I know this. I just find it hard that after twenty four years of never being good enough, I was never perfect enough, that at some point I kind of stopped caring. And now sometime in the last sixteen years, I have become the one you don’t want to turn out like… the bad seed that failed to sprout. No matter what I was suppose to be or who I am not suppose to become, there was never a time when it was okay for me to just be me. Kayla was never really an appropriate option. I have always been not good enough or not worth the effort. Thus it is hard for me to be okay. It was hard for me to come up with reasons why Kiel should have picked me, why I was better than the other girls… It is hard for me to see why I am better without him when he was really the first person to walk in and be okay with just me. I didn’t have to be anything with him. I loved him for that.
Letting go of Kiel was a very hard thing for me to do. The number one reason being, that I am still very much in love of the idea of Kiel. I always knew he never did and never would feel for me the same way I felt for him, but try telling that to the heart of a young girl. It was hard, at the end, to really come to terms with the fact that it was all for nothing. It just seems wrong that we were really good friends who could talk about anything and had some really great times together to have it end the way it did. He wasn’t supposed to end up being the asshole. He should not have dried my tears and reassure me that it will all be okay, when he knew it wouldn’t. He shouldn’t have tried so hard at being that respectful for years of my feelings only to become that guy.
For a long time after, part of me wanted a boyfriend to make Kiel jealous. Part of me wanted a boyfriend to help me get over him. But mostly I think I wanted a boyfriend just to prove that it is possible. Kiel was the only guy to be interested in me, even if it was only for sex. All my other guy friends or potential whatevers would rather just be my friend, nothing more. He was willing to give it a try. Granted I can’t totally blame him cause I am a crazy lady but he knew that going in! We were friends for years. He knew how I felt about him, we talked about it. And when he was drunk and got all flirty and handsy with other girls, he never did it to me. I asked him about it. He said he cared about me too much, as his friend, to give me the wrong impression or hurt me in that way. And that was where I got confused and frustrated and I didn’t get it. That was when we started hanging out more, talking more, really actually being good friends. We had our ups and downs and in the end, it blew up into something nobody wanted to be a part of. Now, please note, I said I am still very much in love with the idea of Kiel. Kiel would have been a really great guy if not for the fact that he was Kiel.
Now, fast forward two years. I am back in the same dame boat. Not with Kiel! No!! That boat is burnt and scattered across the desert, never having any hope of even seeing water again, let alone sailing in it. Now we have a brand new boat who is a lot like the old boat only different. Some differences are good, some are bad. But should I really be back on a boat on the water? Shouldn’t I be on a seadoo or a surfboard maybe? I don’t know what I am doing. I am flying by the seat of my pants and I can’t decide if I am okay with that or not. I do know, as much as I try not to, I really like this guy. The more I hang out with him, the more I am around him the more I like about him and the more I want to be around him. Part of me thinks I need to the hell back on dry land and stay there for a very long time!! But part of me says hey, I am young, why not live a little… I don’t know what I am doing.

The Update

School: Today, after attending class for three weeks, I got officially accepted.... good thing... what a relief!! Last week was soup week, and as you may know, I am not a fan of soup. Just no thanks, I would rather have something else. So, class was interesting for me cause it was sorta like foreign, but I did okay. For my groups' free choice soup we made chicken tortilla and I prolly ate half of it before we served it, then once Chef graded up, I ate most of that bowl too. So good! Thank you Gustavo! This coming week is on Vegetable... oh joy. It shouldn't be too bad... I hope. Ain't going to lie, a little nervous. Then the week after that is the mid-term, super scared about that, but the next week after that is chicken so that should be fun! I am excited for chicken!

Home: Last Saturday was my parent's wedding anniversary. I thought I would be fine, because it was nothing we really celebrated before. Mom and dad would usually exchange cards and Dad would get Mom some flowers and that would be that... no big thing. had class Saturday afternoon and as I drove down, I started sobbing like a baby. Nice. While in class it wasn't so hard to control my emotions because I was busy with a ton of things to do and get done so I didn't really have time to think, but have no fear, once I hit the parking lot after and saw the truck... lost it! Great.

Life: I have always said that I love people. I find them fascinating. I love to watch them because as a whole, people aren't vary smart yet are very entertaining! Recently, I have become aware, yet again, at how amazing people can be. The expectations that just because that is how they feel, that is how you should feel as well. Really? No, thank you, I will hold my own opinion of you. Also, I am amazed at the balls some people have and the things they offer and request. I am growing a lot but there is still a long way for me to go, but I don't think I will ever be as confident as some of my new friends. It is a scary world out there, and it makes me nervous but I am going to try my best to put my head up and be a part of it. I use to think only I could hold me back, and I still think that is true, but in some ways, I am happy to withdraw from certain activities.

That is all I got for this moment... I got a couple stories for you but there is some stuff happening that will add to it so I think I am going to wait and just lay it all out at one time. So keep checking in and I will let you know as soon as I know more!

Love, K

just getting by

Due to the fact that I am trying to balance work, school and homework, I don't have much extra time on my hands. I am usually driving here or reading this, studying that or looking up whatever. It is hard. In the beginning I thought it would be good for me. As an internalizer I didn't want to sit around and have nothing to do but think and stew about my dad. I didn't want to sit around the house day after day and think about all the things I miss, all the things I wish we could do, all the things he will miss. So, when school started up and I sort of got thrown in, I was somewhat pleased knowing I wouldn't have much time to think. However I am now finding out that that may not be such a good thing either. I was driving to school the other day and saw something that triggered a memory of my dad and I lost it. Tears, sobbing, snot... not pretty. I have found that I do not choose to think of him as dead and gone. I think of him as away. I think of him as gone on a camping trip or a vacation somewhere. But I am really ready for him to come home. I am ready for him to walk up the stairs and smile and say hey. I am ready to complete again.
I had a dream the other night that just made it even more ridiculous for me. I had a dream we were having dinner and he came walking up the stairs. His hair was an outgrown mess, his beard full. He looked happy. Happy to have had the time off. Happy to be back home. But then I woke up. I always wake up. I got up. Went to school, and continued on my way.
Normal is really easy to fake. It is almost too simple to let people think of me as another face in the crowd who really has nothing going on but school. To simply change the subject if things get a little to close to the danger zone. Nobody knows at school. That is not true. My Chefs know. They know that if I walk into class with my sunglasses on, not to ask, just let me be. They know not to ask me certain questions that are fair game to most every other student. They simply ask me how my day is going when I walk in and usually I am good. Most of the time things are really great but there are those days, those hours, those moments that grab my throat and make me wonder if this is something I should be doing right now? Do I really want to be here right now?
I thought going to school would be easy. Dad was never at school. Dad never was a part of that decision. But then I walk onto campus and I see him everywhere. He would be so proud of what I want to do with my life. He would think this is so cool. He would wait for me to come home everyday just to hear what I learned. He would make me show him everything and make him everything just so he could taste it. He would have thought this was the pretty much coolest thing around. He would have been happy that I am going to be something one day. He would be so happy that I took something I loved and am turning it into a career. He would have been proud. He would have been happy. He would have been... *sigh* I miss him. I miss him so much it hurts. It still doesn't seem right without him here. It all still seems off. I am still sad. I am still not okay. I am still not ready to talk about it. I just know he is happy with me, and I am so grateful he put in a good word for me, cause for the first time in a long time, I am pretty happy.
Love, K

Genious Meeting

There was a genius meeting on Saturday. In attendance were: Bach (duh), Van Gouge, Grey, Aristotle, Einstein, Darwin, Rembrandt, and a lovely little blond, whom I am growing to love! It was a great night of remembering the good old days, and laughing till it hurt. BBQ and drinks. However, it has been decided, we are old. We all have some sort of complaint about the "kids" around us, be it at school, at work, or in daily life. This was even more proven as we all sat, in candle light, listening to John Mayer and had to all go home by 11... WOW! Watch out, we are all crazy party animals! I am sort of embarrassed by this, we are suppose to be the intoxicated geniuses for Pete's sake! But the worst by far is the fact that we all sat there and talked about how hard we use to part and how we don't know how we ever did that. So sad.
Love, K

A Day At The Meet

On Sunday, after church, I made an outing with my sister, Aunt, Uncle, some cousins, and Family Friend Jimi to The Meet. Those of you who are unaware of what that may be, it is infamously called a swap meet. Now, normally I would be super excited about such an adventure, however... on this particular day, in April, someone left the sun on and it was about 110 degrees. Let me tell you, The Meet + 110 degrees + no beer + no shade = not a whole lot of happiness. PLUS!! I didn't even get a shaved ice!!! What kind of meet doesn't have shaved ice? I was so disappointed! I did get a really cute backpack though, but that is besides the point! So, sad and depressed about the outing at The Meet, I convinced my sister to go sit in some air conditioning and get our hair cut! HOWEVER! The lady got all sorts of scissor happy and totally messed up my do. I know it is only hair and it will grow back, but I choose to be bitter and unhappy about what was suppose to be an amazingly wonderful day that turned out sad and sunburned. That is all I have to say about that!
Love, K

School: Week Two

So this week was a lot easier to go into... I knew a little bit of what I was going into and I was prepared cause I am a nerd who did all my homework, plus a little extra to get ahead. So had some quizzes, made some sauces and learned how to fabricate a chicken. Talked to Fake Noah a little bit more and got to know him a bit better. Super excited because while last week we made stocks this week we made sauces and so I feel we are moving up quickly and soon I will be going home and actually making meals that are super tasty and impress my family. I am amazed at how much I will be learning in such a short period of time, it all seems a little overwhelming to look at it but to actually go through it, it doesn't seem like it is too much. So far so good, but that is only my opinion... my Chefs might think differently (hahaha) so, until next time..
Love, K

School: Week One

So, I realize I have been crazy busy and I have yet to tell you all about my exciting new day events... So school... week one. day one. I was super nervous being it was my first day at big girl school and I had to be cool cause it isn't just any big girl school it is the art institute so I gotta look cool and creative and edgy, like I belong there... good news, I didn't do anything embarrassing or get lost or fall or fart or anything that would cause me to not go back. Day one was nice because it was my normal cloths day and so it was a nice entry into the whole shebang. My first class was chill, I think it will be fine. Not necessarily a party, but not going to want to poke my eye out with a pen either!! Day Two: the first day I had to dress in my uniform. Again, super nervous cause I looks sorta retarded in my uniform but hey, every body else is wearing it too right? So yeah, Class Two was cool, because while we have to wear the uniform, it is a lecture class so we don't cook, again, a nice intro to the whole process. Day Three: First cooking class... Forced to cook on the first freaking day... holy crap, these people have way to much confidence in me already! This isn't even my total major! So, yeah, but it was good, my team did well, there is a boy I like to look at and talk to.. this could get interesting! He has been dubbed Fake Noah. Day Four: they let me play with knives!! Like really really sharp knives! I didn't cut myself and turns out I actually have some skill... who knew? Thank God the week is over!! I am so happy to be one with week one and so excited for a couple of days off! Super excited for next week to see what happens and what I learn... and to see Fake Noah again! ... Until next time...
Love, K