a heart to heart

For a little while now I have been thinking of all the things going through my brain and how much of a happier person I may be if I let it out. So, I feel I should do this now. Sometimes it helps to just say it out loud, and sometimes, even if it isn’t what you want to hear, it helps to have someone respond, even if it is just a simple hug or a shoulder to cry on. So I am going to let it go. Vent. I apologize in advance that this might not all make sense, and I will prolly talk in circles, because I do that. So grab a drink, maybe some popcorn and settle in, this could be a long one.
I do not think highly of myself. I know this. I just find it hard that after twenty four years of never being good enough, I was never perfect enough, that at some point I kind of stopped caring. And now sometime in the last sixteen years, I have become the one you don’t want to turn out like… the bad seed that failed to sprout. No matter what I was suppose to be or who I am not suppose to become, there was never a time when it was okay for me to just be me. Kayla was never really an appropriate option. I have always been not good enough or not worth the effort. Thus it is hard for me to be okay. It was hard for me to come up with reasons why Kiel should have picked me, why I was better than the other girls… It is hard for me to see why I am better without him when he was really the first person to walk in and be okay with just me. I didn’t have to be anything with him. I loved him for that.
Letting go of Kiel was a very hard thing for me to do. The number one reason being, that I am still very much in love of the idea of Kiel. I always knew he never did and never would feel for me the same way I felt for him, but try telling that to the heart of a young girl. It was hard, at the end, to really come to terms with the fact that it was all for nothing. It just seems wrong that we were really good friends who could talk about anything and had some really great times together to have it end the way it did. He wasn’t supposed to end up being the asshole. He should not have dried my tears and reassure me that it will all be okay, when he knew it wouldn’t. He shouldn’t have tried so hard at being that respectful for years of my feelings only to become that guy.
For a long time after, part of me wanted a boyfriend to make Kiel jealous. Part of me wanted a boyfriend to help me get over him. But mostly I think I wanted a boyfriend just to prove that it is possible. Kiel was the only guy to be interested in me, even if it was only for sex. All my other guy friends or potential whatevers would rather just be my friend, nothing more. He was willing to give it a try. Granted I can’t totally blame him cause I am a crazy lady but he knew that going in! We were friends for years. He knew how I felt about him, we talked about it. And when he was drunk and got all flirty and handsy with other girls, he never did it to me. I asked him about it. He said he cared about me too much, as his friend, to give me the wrong impression or hurt me in that way. And that was where I got confused and frustrated and I didn’t get it. That was when we started hanging out more, talking more, really actually being good friends. We had our ups and downs and in the end, it blew up into something nobody wanted to be a part of. Now, please note, I said I am still very much in love with the idea of Kiel. Kiel would have been a really great guy if not for the fact that he was Kiel.
Now, fast forward two years. I am back in the same dame boat. Not with Kiel! No!! That boat is burnt and scattered across the desert, never having any hope of even seeing water again, let alone sailing in it. Now we have a brand new boat who is a lot like the old boat only different. Some differences are good, some are bad. But should I really be back on a boat on the water? Shouldn’t I be on a seadoo or a surfboard maybe? I don’t know what I am doing. I am flying by the seat of my pants and I can’t decide if I am okay with that or not. I do know, as much as I try not to, I really like this guy. The more I hang out with him, the more I am around him the more I like about him and the more I want to be around him. Part of me thinks I need to the hell back on dry land and stay there for a very long time!! But part of me says hey, I am young, why not live a little… I don’t know what I am doing.