waking up

I use to be a happy person. I use to smile a lot and be wild and crazy. Fun loving and free. Life happened and stuff just got in the way and I somewhat lost myself. For the past while, I have been in sort of a dark and depressed place. I faked it enough that not too many eyebrows were raised but it was all a mask. I heard when people told me what I was doing wrong, but I never listened. I wasn't ready to. I didn't want to admit to being so wrong for so long. But I don't want to be bitter or angry. I don't want to be lost or lonely. I am an amazing person and the people I allow to be a part of my life are lucky. When I am your friend, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. I love my friends and want nothing but the best for them. I like to believe the good in everyone. I want to believe that in general, people aren't bad, just having a bad time... but I know that isn't the case. There are people who just don't care. They take what they can get and are completely fine leaving you with nothing. It is hard to swollow. It is sad. It makes me sad. I am not one of those people. I don't want to be friends with those people. I am going to work hard on making a better me. I am going to work on making better decisions for me. I don't want to be the girl I have been allowing myself to be. The stupid girl. The girl that allowed herself to be a doormat and a backdoor whore. I deserve better. I deserve more. One day I will look back on my life now and laugh at how silly I use to be. One day I will look back and wonder what I was thinking and why I let it go on for so long. It is a long rough road. I will have hard times. I will fall. But as long as I keep getting back up... nothing can stop me.

Change Sucks

It is funny to me the varying degrees of friendship. The things you will let someone get away with. The things that annoy and bother you to your core but you chalk it up to them just being them and you allow yourself to over look it. You convince yourself that the person is worth it. That they mean enough to you and you mean enough to them to overlook the bad and only accept and acknowledge the good. But if you really look deeper, how many other people in your life would you let get away with such actions?
To have someone in your life that you allow to walk all over you is exhausting. To allow them to treat you in a way that you would never talk to someone else for even thinking. To be the doormat. It hurts. Especially when you know better. You hear the logical advice and know the right thing to do... yet you stay. You stay because you are sad. You stay because you are lonely. You tell yourself you are making a difference. You tell yourself you are doing the right thing. You tell yourself a number of lies in order to not thing about it. To not feel the pain. To not have to change. Change sucks.
But what do you do when you no longer have an option? When the situation itself changes and you are forced to either change with it or walk away for good. What do you do when life doesn't let you decide. Do you hold on for dear life hoping this too shall pass or do you let go and see what life has planned?? What do you do??
Love Always, K

... okay ...

I find it funny, not so much haha, but rather hmmm, the crazy things you will let your mind get away with. That keeping busy will help heal old wounds. That if you put all of yourself into something, time will move much to quickly to really be able to stop and think of why you needed the distraction in the first place. A year ago, I was at my lowest point. I didn't know how to face the morning, and I hated the night. I didn't know if anything would ever be okay, and while I still am unsure of how, I know that somehow, someday I will be okay. I will get over the bad and not let it hold me back anymore. That someday I will be able to look back and laugh at how stupidly dramatic I was about the things that don't matter. Molehills aren't mountains, and eventually, we all learn to be normal again. Well, we all find a new normal that works for us and we tell ourselves that we are happy again. That things aren't so bad, and that after all that has happened, we have taken the greater lesson from it all and it has made us a better person.
I also think, we put too much pressure on certain words. My personal favorites are okay and enough. Everything is always whether or not I will be okay, if life will be okay, if my friendships will be okay... what is okay? Shouldn't I want more? Okay seems like it is the bottom of the barrel of good, bordering on bad, waiting for one little thing to go wrong to throw your whole world below the yellow line where nothing will ever be ok. Worse is enough. I always want to be enough. Good enough. Funny enough. There enough. Pretty enough. Enough of a person. Enough of a friend. Yet again, shouldn't I want more?
When you hold all your emotions and feelings in the inside, life seems to be a tightrope act. A careful balance so not to tip the scale and fall. To hold everything in so tight for fear of exposure, you never really stop to see that the only one you are truly scared of is yourself, and what you might become, if you let the freak flag fly and just be you. I hope a high expectation of friends and an even higher on of myself. But, when you hold it all in, the only person to know you failed is yourself. The only one who is really disappointed is you. I guess I just need to get out there more. Put myself out there more. Be me and let the chips fall where they may. I am an amazing person. I am an amazing friend. If someone doesn't appreciate me, it really is their loss. I will be alright. I will move on. I will be okay.
Love Always, K