The Update

School: Today, after attending class for three weeks, I got officially accepted.... good thing... what a relief!! Last week was soup week, and as you may know, I am not a fan of soup. Just no thanks, I would rather have something else. So, class was interesting for me cause it was sorta like foreign, but I did okay. For my groups' free choice soup we made chicken tortilla and I prolly ate half of it before we served it, then once Chef graded up, I ate most of that bowl too. So good! Thank you Gustavo! This coming week is on Vegetable... oh joy. It shouldn't be too bad... I hope. Ain't going to lie, a little nervous. Then the week after that is the mid-term, super scared about that, but the next week after that is chicken so that should be fun! I am excited for chicken!

Home: Last Saturday was my parent's wedding anniversary. I thought I would be fine, because it was nothing we really celebrated before. Mom and dad would usually exchange cards and Dad would get Mom some flowers and that would be that... no big thing. had class Saturday afternoon and as I drove down, I started sobbing like a baby. Nice. While in class it wasn't so hard to control my emotions because I was busy with a ton of things to do and get done so I didn't really have time to think, but have no fear, once I hit the parking lot after and saw the truck... lost it! Great.

Life: I have always said that I love people. I find them fascinating. I love to watch them because as a whole, people aren't vary smart yet are very entertaining! Recently, I have become aware, yet again, at how amazing people can be. The expectations that just because that is how they feel, that is how you should feel as well. Really? No, thank you, I will hold my own opinion of you. Also, I am amazed at the balls some people have and the things they offer and request. I am growing a lot but there is still a long way for me to go, but I don't think I will ever be as confident as some of my new friends. It is a scary world out there, and it makes me nervous but I am going to try my best to put my head up and be a part of it. I use to think only I could hold me back, and I still think that is true, but in some ways, I am happy to withdraw from certain activities.

That is all I got for this moment... I got a couple stories for you but there is some stuff happening that will add to it so I think I am going to wait and just lay it all out at one time. So keep checking in and I will let you know as soon as I know more!

Love, K

just getting by

Due to the fact that I am trying to balance work, school and homework, I don't have much extra time on my hands. I am usually driving here or reading this, studying that or looking up whatever. It is hard. In the beginning I thought it would be good for me. As an internalizer I didn't want to sit around and have nothing to do but think and stew about my dad. I didn't want to sit around the house day after day and think about all the things I miss, all the things I wish we could do, all the things he will miss. So, when school started up and I sort of got thrown in, I was somewhat pleased knowing I wouldn't have much time to think. However I am now finding out that that may not be such a good thing either. I was driving to school the other day and saw something that triggered a memory of my dad and I lost it. Tears, sobbing, snot... not pretty. I have found that I do not choose to think of him as dead and gone. I think of him as away. I think of him as gone on a camping trip or a vacation somewhere. But I am really ready for him to come home. I am ready for him to walk up the stairs and smile and say hey. I am ready to complete again.
I had a dream the other night that just made it even more ridiculous for me. I had a dream we were having dinner and he came walking up the stairs. His hair was an outgrown mess, his beard full. He looked happy. Happy to have had the time off. Happy to be back home. But then I woke up. I always wake up. I got up. Went to school, and continued on my way.
Normal is really easy to fake. It is almost too simple to let people think of me as another face in the crowd who really has nothing going on but school. To simply change the subject if things get a little to close to the danger zone. Nobody knows at school. That is not true. My Chefs know. They know that if I walk into class with my sunglasses on, not to ask, just let me be. They know not to ask me certain questions that are fair game to most every other student. They simply ask me how my day is going when I walk in and usually I am good. Most of the time things are really great but there are those days, those hours, those moments that grab my throat and make me wonder if this is something I should be doing right now? Do I really want to be here right now?
I thought going to school would be easy. Dad was never at school. Dad never was a part of that decision. But then I walk onto campus and I see him everywhere. He would be so proud of what I want to do with my life. He would think this is so cool. He would wait for me to come home everyday just to hear what I learned. He would make me show him everything and make him everything just so he could taste it. He would have thought this was the pretty much coolest thing around. He would have been happy that I am going to be something one day. He would be so happy that I took something I loved and am turning it into a career. He would have been proud. He would have been happy. He would have been... *sigh* I miss him. I miss him so much it hurts. It still doesn't seem right without him here. It all still seems off. I am still sad. I am still not okay. I am still not ready to talk about it. I just know he is happy with me, and I am so grateful he put in a good word for me, cause for the first time in a long time, I am pretty happy.
Love, K

Genious Meeting

There was a genius meeting on Saturday. In attendance were: Bach (duh), Van Gouge, Grey, Aristotle, Einstein, Darwin, Rembrandt, and a lovely little blond, whom I am growing to love! It was a great night of remembering the good old days, and laughing till it hurt. BBQ and drinks. However, it has been decided, we are old. We all have some sort of complaint about the "kids" around us, be it at school, at work, or in daily life. This was even more proven as we all sat, in candle light, listening to John Mayer and had to all go home by 11... WOW! Watch out, we are all crazy party animals! I am sort of embarrassed by this, we are suppose to be the intoxicated geniuses for Pete's sake! But the worst by far is the fact that we all sat there and talked about how hard we use to part and how we don't know how we ever did that. So sad.
Love, K

A Day At The Meet

On Sunday, after church, I made an outing with my sister, Aunt, Uncle, some cousins, and Family Friend Jimi to The Meet. Those of you who are unaware of what that may be, it is infamously called a swap meet. Now, normally I would be super excited about such an adventure, however... on this particular day, in April, someone left the sun on and it was about 110 degrees. Let me tell you, The Meet + 110 degrees + no beer + no shade = not a whole lot of happiness. PLUS!! I didn't even get a shaved ice!!! What kind of meet doesn't have shaved ice? I was so disappointed! I did get a really cute backpack though, but that is besides the point! So, sad and depressed about the outing at The Meet, I convinced my sister to go sit in some air conditioning and get our hair cut! HOWEVER! The lady got all sorts of scissor happy and totally messed up my do. I know it is only hair and it will grow back, but I choose to be bitter and unhappy about what was suppose to be an amazingly wonderful day that turned out sad and sunburned. That is all I have to say about that!
Love, K

School: Week Two

So this week was a lot easier to go into... I knew a little bit of what I was going into and I was prepared cause I am a nerd who did all my homework, plus a little extra to get ahead. So had some quizzes, made some sauces and learned how to fabricate a chicken. Talked to Fake Noah a little bit more and got to know him a bit better. Super excited because while last week we made stocks this week we made sauces and so I feel we are moving up quickly and soon I will be going home and actually making meals that are super tasty and impress my family. I am amazed at how much I will be learning in such a short period of time, it all seems a little overwhelming to look at it but to actually go through it, it doesn't seem like it is too much. So far so good, but that is only my opinion... my Chefs might think differently (hahaha) so, until next time..
Love, K

School: Week One

So, I realize I have been crazy busy and I have yet to tell you all about my exciting new day events... So school... week one. day one. I was super nervous being it was my first day at big girl school and I had to be cool cause it isn't just any big girl school it is the art institute so I gotta look cool and creative and edgy, like I belong there... good news, I didn't do anything embarrassing or get lost or fall or fart or anything that would cause me to not go back. Day one was nice because it was my normal cloths day and so it was a nice entry into the whole shebang. My first class was chill, I think it will be fine. Not necessarily a party, but not going to want to poke my eye out with a pen either!! Day Two: the first day I had to dress in my uniform. Again, super nervous cause I looks sorta retarded in my uniform but hey, every body else is wearing it too right? So yeah, Class Two was cool, because while we have to wear the uniform, it is a lecture class so we don't cook, again, a nice intro to the whole process. Day Three: First cooking class... Forced to cook on the first freaking day... holy crap, these people have way to much confidence in me already! This isn't even my total major! So, yeah, but it was good, my team did well, there is a boy I like to look at and talk to.. this could get interesting! He has been dubbed Fake Noah. Day Four: they let me play with knives!! Like really really sharp knives! I didn't cut myself and turns out I actually have some skill... who knew? Thank God the week is over!! I am so happy to be one with week one and so excited for a couple of days off! Super excited for next week to see what happens and what I learn... and to see Fake Noah again! ... Until next time...
Love, K

Winding Roads Lead to Wind

So, as I mentioned, I went to the desert this past weekend. It was rumored to be the last trip of the season, but really, who knows. I went out Thursday night, because I could. It was terrible windy, but we made the best of it. I was ready and willing to sleep in the back of the truck but Aunt Shelly said I was sleeping in the trailer so I did... inside the trailer it is warm and not windy with a door and a bathroom.. WOO HOO!! So night one = terrible windy, not cold, horribly windy... slept okay in the trailer except that my bed mate, who I love dearly with all my heart, snored a bit, got over that real quick and rolled over and went to sleep. Day One. Friday = TERRIBLY WINDY! but... we put on our goggles and made the best out of the situation. Turned an easy up into a fun parachuting game, but had to stop cause Bear got hurt. Little bit of a concussion but all in all she is good now, at least, that is the last I have heard. So then, the boys were going to go on a small ride I guys but guess what... Jimi fell. Crashed due to wind. Surgery was done, I was not there, but I was asked for an assist at the end. Jimi lives on to ride another day. Night Two = not as windy. New friends showed up. Carne Asada and Pollo Asada is yummy. Slept WAY good!! On the Aerobed! Woot Woot!! Day Three = like no wind!! Cold in the shade. Hot in the sun. Sunburn if you are not careful. No wind for the parachuting games, made for a sad KP. ummm.. yeah... Night Three = Pot luck that I never eat at. Got in trouble for not being a party animal. Went to bed. Interesting evening in the trailer!! Lot of talking, confusion, and Jack in The Box. Day Four = beautiful weather. Packed up and went home. Did laundry. Put everything away. slept real good!!!
And that, my friends was my weekend... you are welcome!!
Love, K

moving forward

Okay, so there is a lot that has changed!! Like, I am a college student. Now, don't feel left out if you know nothing about this... it has all happened VERY quickly. A little over a week ago, my mom mentioned to me that maybe I should figure out my life and decide what I wanna be when I "grow up" and that if I wanted to do something that would mean that I had to go to school, now is the time. SO... I thought about it and I had Freud on the look out for a job for me cause what I got ain't going to cut it anymore and she wrote me and was like what kind of job do you want?? You like to bake... wanna go to like cooking school or something? And that made me go hmmm... so I went on-line and did a little research and signed up to have a couple places send me some info. Two days later, I got a call from an admissions guy named Baris from the Art Institute. He asked if I wanted to come and tour the campus and learn more about the program. So, I thought, hmm, touring the campus couldn't hurt... too much... so I went. Next thing I knew I was filling out an application and then getting accepted and then filling out financial aide and getting that and then planning my course load... CRAZY!!! So that was last Thursday. Thursday night I left for the desert. Came back on Sunday, went to school on Monday for another meeting with Baris. Got my supply kit, got my id badge, my schedule and my uniforms! So today, Wednesday was my first class. It was fun. I enjoyed it. A little scared for my classes tomorrow and Friday and Saturday because they are in the kitchen... eek!!! So yeah, I am officially a student at the International Culinary School at the Art Institute. I am going to get a degree and have a career! WOO HOO!! I am so excited!! I never felt I had any direction in life, that I was always just kinda along for the ride... but now... now I am excited to wake up in the morning to move along into the future. A future that I know that I will be okay. A future that I know I will like. A future that I know I will have.
If you go back to the beginning of my blog, you will read that I was so sure that 2009 was going to be my year. It started with an amazing new years and things just seemed happy, things just seemed to happen. Then, when Dad died, I thought 2009 was going to turn out just like the last 24... but now, I don't think that 2009 will be so bad. While I will be the first to admit that it took a major blow, I still have hope that I can rise up. Maybe it won't be so bad. God has it all planned out and maybe he and my dad have something cooking upstairs that will truly make not just 2009 but the rest of my years to come, better than I could have ever dreamed. I know that I have a lot of people on my side, supporting me and pushing for me to be great. And I can only hope that I will be. I hope I can rise to the challenge and be the person my dad always hoped I would be. I hope I do him proud. Only time will tell... until next time...
Love, K