just getting by

Due to the fact that I am trying to balance work, school and homework, I don't have much extra time on my hands. I am usually driving here or reading this, studying that or looking up whatever. It is hard. In the beginning I thought it would be good for me. As an internalizer I didn't want to sit around and have nothing to do but think and stew about my dad. I didn't want to sit around the house day after day and think about all the things I miss, all the things I wish we could do, all the things he will miss. So, when school started up and I sort of got thrown in, I was somewhat pleased knowing I wouldn't have much time to think. However I am now finding out that that may not be such a good thing either. I was driving to school the other day and saw something that triggered a memory of my dad and I lost it. Tears, sobbing, snot... not pretty. I have found that I do not choose to think of him as dead and gone. I think of him as away. I think of him as gone on a camping trip or a vacation somewhere. But I am really ready for him to come home. I am ready for him to walk up the stairs and smile and say hey. I am ready to complete again.
I had a dream the other night that just made it even more ridiculous for me. I had a dream we were having dinner and he came walking up the stairs. His hair was an outgrown mess, his beard full. He looked happy. Happy to have had the time off. Happy to be back home. But then I woke up. I always wake up. I got up. Went to school, and continued on my way.
Normal is really easy to fake. It is almost too simple to let people think of me as another face in the crowd who really has nothing going on but school. To simply change the subject if things get a little to close to the danger zone. Nobody knows at school. That is not true. My Chefs know. They know that if I walk into class with my sunglasses on, not to ask, just let me be. They know not to ask me certain questions that are fair game to most every other student. They simply ask me how my day is going when I walk in and usually I am good. Most of the time things are really great but there are those days, those hours, those moments that grab my throat and make me wonder if this is something I should be doing right now? Do I really want to be here right now?
I thought going to school would be easy. Dad was never at school. Dad never was a part of that decision. But then I walk onto campus and I see him everywhere. He would be so proud of what I want to do with my life. He would think this is so cool. He would wait for me to come home everyday just to hear what I learned. He would make me show him everything and make him everything just so he could taste it. He would have thought this was the pretty much coolest thing around. He would have been happy that I am going to be something one day. He would be so happy that I took something I loved and am turning it into a career. He would have been proud. He would have been happy. He would have been... *sigh* I miss him. I miss him so much it hurts. It still doesn't seem right without him here. It all still seems off. I am still sad. I am still not okay. I am still not ready to talk about it. I just know he is happy with me, and I am so grateful he put in a good word for me, cause for the first time in a long time, I am pretty happy.
Love, K