waking up

I use to be a happy person. I use to smile a lot and be wild and crazy. Fun loving and free. Life happened and stuff just got in the way and I somewhat lost myself. For the past while, I have been in sort of a dark and depressed place. I faked it enough that not too many eyebrows were raised but it was all a mask. I heard when people told me what I was doing wrong, but I never listened. I wasn't ready to. I didn't want to admit to being so wrong for so long. But I don't want to be bitter or angry. I don't want to be lost or lonely. I am an amazing person and the people I allow to be a part of my life are lucky. When I am your friend, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. I love my friends and want nothing but the best for them. I like to believe the good in everyone. I want to believe that in general, people aren't bad, just having a bad time... but I know that isn't the case. There are people who just don't care. They take what they can get and are completely fine leaving you with nothing. It is hard to swollow. It is sad. It makes me sad. I am not one of those people. I don't want to be friends with those people. I am going to work hard on making a better me. I am going to work on making better decisions for me. I don't want to be the girl I have been allowing myself to be. The stupid girl. The girl that allowed herself to be a doormat and a backdoor whore. I deserve better. I deserve more. One day I will look back on my life now and laugh at how silly I use to be. One day I will look back and wonder what I was thinking and why I let it go on for so long. It is a long rough road. I will have hard times. I will fall. But as long as I keep getting back up... nothing can stop me.