Death... death is easy. Life... life is hard. However, living after a death... that is almost unbearable. I never gave much thought to a life without my dad, because I thought we had time. I thought he would get to see his youngest daughter and only son graduate from high school. I thought he would get to walk his girls down the isle. I thought he would get Cody to change his mind about football and one day, see him go pro. In all these situations, I could see him glow. His huge smile, tears in his eyes, and look of sheer joy on his face. But of all the things he will now miss, the thing that saddens me the most is that he will never get to meet his grand kids. That man loved babies.
It is weird the things you think of. How he was always going to teach me how to work on cars. How he always wanted to fix up that stupid camper out back. How we could sit in the garage and plan for hours what would happen if we won the lottery. All those plans, dreams, hopes, and wishes... The stupid things you wonder about. Who is going to wrap all the Christmas presents. Who is going to cut the meat at dinner. Who is going to carve the meat at Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. The stupid little things I know I will miss. Him talking me down after a fight with my mom. Him talking reason into me when I want to go do something reckless. Him telling me he loved me and he will miss me when I go camping. How he always told me to be safe when I left for the desert. Hearing him say hey when he walked up the stairs. The battle of who could sleep in longer on Monday mornings. Monday mornings. Cutting his salt hair that has lost all the pepper. Coming out of my room to see him doing something naughty in the garage. Seeing the light go out from under the door to know he is going to bed. Hearing him hum on Sunday mornings. Him. The stupid things that remind me of him in an instant. My headboard. All the shelves in my room. The carpet in my apartment. The color on the wall. Certain songs on the radio. Certain little things that I would never that thought twice about.
Last night, when I was trying to go to sleep, I kept telling myself I will get through it. That this will all, one day, be okay. But as the river of tears kept streaming... I knew it isn't going to be okay. Life will never be normal, because what is normal? There is so much going through my head it is hard to get a handle on any of it. I appreciate all my friends who have reached out but as for this moment in time, I just need to be left alone. I need to figure out how I will deal with it. I will let you know how I am doing on that.
Love, K



Hey Dad, Between now and then, till I see you again, I'll be loving you.
Love, Me